BRIAN AND THE GREAT SWORD by J.Y. "Where are you going?" asked Brian. "We're off to slay the giant dragon that lives in the West Caves," said Galahad. "Ho ho ho, and we'll chop off ‘is green ‘ead," laughed Lancelot. "Tell you whot, kiddo, I'll bring back one of ‘is teeth and put it on a string for ye." He lifted his enormous sword and fitted it into the sheath on his belt. "We won't be gone long. Tell Merlin to save me some of ‘is soup." "Hey, can I come with you? I'm bored." "Ho ho ho, certainly not!" chuckled Lancelot. "Them big lizards are too dangerous for li'l young ‘uns like you, kiddo." "And you'd be slowing us up," said Galahad, fitting his gigantic battle axe into his holster. "But-" "No ‘but's, kiddo. Why don't ye go ‘elp Merlin make ‘is soup." "Hi, Merlin," said Brian as he walked into the old wizard's room. "Hello, kiddo," replied Merlin. He was stirring a big pot of black liquid with a stick. "How are you doing?" "I'm bored," said Brian. "How's the soup?" He stuck a finger into the pot and tasted the liquid. "Yuck, this doesn't tasted like your old soup used to." "No, that's not my soup; I'm just making some compost for my vegetable garden. But how can I help you today, kiddo?" "Nothing. I'm so bored I could-" Suddenly Merlin jumped up and ran into the stone wall. He gaggled for a few moments, spun around and spat out a small, red pill. "Aha!" Merlin shouted. "What?!? What is it?" Merlin picked up the pill. "It's the Prophecy Pill," he said, wiping his mouth. "I took it last week. I knew it was going to come out today!" "Well, quick," said Brian. "What's it saying?" "Ssh," whispered Merlin. "Listen." He put his ear to the pill. They waited for a minute before Brian said: "I don't hear anything." "Aha, but on the contrary, kiddo!" said Merlin, slapping his knee. "The pill's got a message for YOU!" He held the pill closer to his ear. "Mm hmm," he mumbled. "Is that so? No, really? I don't believe it. . . Oh, incredible!. . . mm hmm. . . He says to ask next time before you go digging into my compost batch." "Oh, sorry," said Brian, disappointed. "But wait!" shouted Merlin, now almost shoving the pill into his ear canal. "He says. . . he says. . .he. . ." "What!? What is he saying!?" "He says YOU are the one destined to find the Tempest Blade!" Merlin yelled. "The Tempest Blade? That's only a story." "No no no no no, kiddo. The Tempest Blade is real; it's real because YOU are going to find it! Ha ha!" "No, no, I don't think-" "That's right! Don't think! Go, now! Take this magic potion, but only use it in an emergency." Merlin gave Brian a small brown bag. "Go now! Find that sword, kiddo!" "Merlin?" "What?" "Could you not call me kiddo?" "Hey, kiddo!" shouted Lancelot from the distance. "I got ye them teeth I promised." Galahad walked alongside Lancelot with a giant dragon's head slung over his shoulder. Its tongue was hanging out of its mouth, still smoking. Lancelot laughed. "Ho ho ho, but I got me some sunburn on me shield, though," he said. Still laughing, he held up his shield for Brian to see. "Ho ho ho, ‘e was a tough ‘un, though." That night Brian stared out of his bedroom window. There were the king's sentries everywhere. "I think this is a good time to use Merlin's potion," he thought. "I'll just drink half, though." He guzzled down half the bag, and. . . TO BE CONTINUED. . . BRIAN part 2 Brian guzzled down half the bag. Suddenly he saw hundreds of strange lights and sparks surrounding him. All of the sparks were flying around him like wind, but Brian didn't hear any sound. Then the lights gathered into one compressed ball of energy. The ball started wiggling, and it began to take the shape of a head. Brian watched as the ball of light took the form of Merlin's head. "Merlin!" shouted Brian. Merlin didn't seem to notice Brian. Instead, the head began to talk in a deadpan voice. "Hello, welcome all," said the head. "This is Merlin's Interactive tutorial No. 05169. Please press an option to direct your visit." A series of options appeared underneath Merlin's head. Brian touched the option labeled TELEPORT. "Thank you for choosing TELEPORT," said the head. "Where would you like to go?" "Just get me out of here," said Brian. "There's too many sentries here." "Please wait," the head said. "You are being transferred to a Merlin representative." The head scattered back into sparks of light, then clumped together again to form Merlin's head, only this time it was the real Merlin. "Hey, son, how can I help you?" asked Merlin. "Get me out of here, or I'll never find the sword." "Sure," said Merlin, and he snapped his fingers. Brian blinked as the room vanished around him and found himself on the street of a busy town. "Hey, where am I?" asked Brian. "This is the village of Olveria. You have to find the local wizard. Her name is Reda. I bet she can help you find the Blade." "But-" "Bye, son," said Merlin as his image fizzled out into the little sparks. "Okay," said Brian. "Now what?" Suddenly he heard someone shout, "That's him! That's the bread thief!" and a mob of townsfolk jumped out and grabbed him. "Wait, wait," said Brian. "I've never stolen any bread; I've never even seen this place before. You must have the wrong guy." "Lies!" shouted a man with a pitchfork. "He matches the exact description the baker gave us! He's got hair, two eyes, ten fingers, and he's wearing shoes!" "Yep, that' ‘im all right," said a woman in an apron. "He fits all of those descriptions. Blind Moe saw ‘im the other day, too." "But everybody has hair, or ten fingers, or whatever!" said Brian. "Oh, so whaddaya mean by that, eh?" said a bald butcher, holding up his hands to show that one had been cleaved off while he was cutting pork. "Doubtin' the words of Blind Moe, the most honestest man that ever lived," said the woman in the apron. "That's me," said Blind Moe. "Bring ‘im to the judge!" shouted the man with the pitchfork. Five minutes later Brian was in a courtroom with a judge, a jury, prosecutors, and the defense. The judge pounded his podium with a rock. "Silence!" he shouted. "All right, what does the defendant plead?" Brian was about to say "not guilty" but his "attorney" stood up and said "Guilty!" When the attorney saw Brian staring up at him, he whispered, "Don't worry; if you plead guilty you might get life instead of the electric-eel chair." "What, for stealing bread?" "It's the law, kiddo," said the attorney. The judge pounded the rock again. "Quiet! Okay, prosecution, the floor is yours." The prosecutor stood. "Kiddo," he said. "Brian--is that your name?" Without giving him time to answer, he continued. "Brian, do you fit the baker's description of hair, two eyes, and shoes?" "I object, your honor!" shouted Brian's attorney. "Irrelevant." "Shut up, dork, don't be stupid," said the judge. "Overruled." "Answer the question!" barked the prosecutor. "Yes, I fit the description," said Brian. "No further questions, dad--I mean, you honor," said the prosecutor. "All right," said the judge. "The court finds the defendant guilty." "What!?" said Brian. "But I didn't even get a-" "Sorry," said his attorney. "I'm not really a good lawyer. I'm actually just a blacksmith and the judge hired me just for today. Also, I'm his next door neighbor and this morning I accidentally flung a mallet through his window, so he doesn't like me too much." "The defendant is sentenced to execution at dawn tomorrow-," said the judge. He patted the "prosecutor" on the back and whispered "good job, son" and then continued, "-by the electric-eel chair." TO BE CONTINUED. . . BRIAN part 3 The next morning Brian was led to a scummy, green pond. At closer inspection Brian saw that the pool was infested with dark, slimy eel-like creatures. The two men guarding Brian put on big rubber boots and dragged Brian down into the pool, where he was tied to a half-submerged rotting chair. As the guards stepped out of the pond Brian felt one of the eels wrap around his arm. Brian yelped and tried to shake it off, but the ropes held firm. "Okay, kiddo," said one of the guards. "It's time." He took his spear and swished it around in the water. The eels took offense, and one by one they began to set the water with electric charges. At first the sting was minimal because of the water diluting the charges, but after more and more eels set off charges, Brian began too feel lots of pain. Brain started getting woozy and drowsy, and when he dropped his head he saw a pinkish liquid spread though the pool. He realized it was the second half of Merlin's potion. Without thinking he thrust his head into the water and gulped down all the liquid his stomach could hold. He felt an eel slip down his throat, but he paid no attention to it. After it seemed as if he had drunk half the pond, Merlin's head finally appeared. "Hello, welcome all," said Merlin. "This is Merlin's Interactive Tutorial No. 05169." Brian rushed though the message as he felt himself get drowsier. The eels continued to shock the water. "When Brian chose the option TELEPORT he said, "take me to Reda's house!" "Last name?" said Merlin's head. "I--I don't know--Reda the Wizard!" "Please wait," said Merlin. Brian immediately found himself in a small cottage. There was a fire burning in a brick fireplace, and a small table had food on it. "Hello," said a woman in the corner. "You're Brian, aren't you?" Brian turned and saw Reda the Wizard standing in the corner which had been empty just seconds ago. "How did you know my name?" Brian said. "I know a lot of things," said Reda. "Tell me, why are you here today?" "Merlin said you could-" "Merlin!" screamed Reda. "That stinking rotten buttchunk!" She kicked a bucket across the room. "That bunghole cheated on his SAT, he got into King Arthur's Academy, that freak peeked at the answer booklet with his DAMN CRYSTAL BALL!" She suddenly stopped and looked at Brian. "Oh, sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be using nasty words like that around a child. You know, that Merlin, that old gas-hat, he used his magic wand and SWITCHED my name on my SAT with the dumbest kid in the class, Galahad. HE ended up with the 1600, and I got the bottom bit, the 430. But! Anyways, how can I help you, kiddo?" "Merlin said you could help me find the Tempest Blade." "The Blade! The Tempest Blade, eh!" laughed Reda. "Well, I'm not sure I can help you find it, but I know who can." "Who?" "Peggy, my flying horse," said Reda. "I bought her last year in Greece. She can take you to the Blade." "Really? Great!" said Brian. "Whoa, not so fast," said Reda. "You know who GUARDS the Blade, doncha?" "What? Who?" "The Baron of Dark Camelot!" Brian mounted Peggy and was about to wave to Reda when she ran out with a sword in her hand. "Here," she said. "You'll probably need a sword of some sort to defeat the Dark Baron." Brain took the sword and waved to Reda. "Good luck," said Reda, and Peggy took Brian off into the the sunset. TO BE CONCLUDED. . . BRIAN part 4 Brian held his breath as Peggy flew through the cloudy sky. In the distance he glimpsed a tall, thin mountain that looked very cold, dark, and rocky. Soon he discovered that Peggy was heading in its direction. As soon as Peggy landed on a narrow outcropping on the side of the mountain, Brian jumped off and grabbed his little sword. "Stay here, Peggy," he said. Peggy trotted to the spot farthest from the edge of the cliff and sat down. Brian patted the horse on the back and looked up the rocky mountain wall. On the top of the mountain was a small, dark castle. Fitting the sword into his belt, Brian began to scale the cliff. Halfway up the cliff Brian found a small ledge where he could rest. He sat down and let his feet dangle. "Wow," he said. "I'm really high now." Looking down the cliff he saw a distant Peggy still sitting on the outcropping. All at once a horde of giant bats screamed out of a cleft in the rocky wall behind Brian. Surprised, Brian toppled off the ledge, but he managed to seize hold of it with his left hand. One of the bats sank its teeth into Brian's arm. Immediately Brian clutched the handle of his sword and drew it from his belt, with the bat still clinging to his arm. The rest of the bats also began to hover toward Brian. Brian shook off the bat and then with the same arm began swinging wildly at the cloud of bloodsucking creatures. Finally, after he had struck about a dozen of them, they backed off and left him alone, but remained hovering at a distance. Once Brian was safely out of the bats' range he pulled himself up onto the ledge again. After replacing his sword back into his belt, he started his ascent again. "Great," he said. "I'm cut, bruised, I've been bitten by bats-" he stopped. "-and my stomach feels funny." He winced as his stomach gave him a nasty pang of pain. It grumbled. "Ah! At last!" Brian gave a sigh of relief as he reached the summit. He walked to the door of the small black castle. The door opened by itself (which happens a lot in these types of stories) so Brian drew his sword and went inside. To his surprise, the castle's interior was dark and empty. There was only one thing that caught his attention, and that was because that one thing was also running toward him at breakneck speed with a rather large sword in his hand. Brian quickly jumped to one side and raised his minuscule sword. That one thing swiftly turned around. "So! You want the Tempest Blade, do you?" laughed that one thing. "Well, you'll have to get it from me, the Dark Baron, because I'M using it!" He lunged at Brian and swung the Blade at his neck. Brian subconsciously lifted his sword to deflect the blow. A second after the swords made contact, Brian felt a mysterious wind shake his entire body. "You're no match for the Tempest Blade!" said the Baron. In one move, Brian spun in a full circle and thrust the sword into the Baron's chest. To Brian's horror, the Baron disappeared a split second before the sword struck, then reappeared behind Brian. Brian lost his balance and fell over. "You think you are any match for the Tempest Blade?" cackled the Baron menacingly. He again swung at Brian, but Brian scooted backwards along the floor and blocked the sword, each blow giving that windy shaking sensation. At last the Baron had Brian trapped in a corner. "Drop yer sword," he said. Brian let his sword go and heard it clatter on the floor. The Baron lifter the Blade and rested the tip on Brian's throat. He felt again the vibrating feeling of the Tempest Blade. Suddenly his stomach lurched, and a second later he felt something slimy slip out between his lips. "Dammit," said the eel. "Could someone please stop that infernal shaking!?" The eel wrapped itself around the Tempest Blade and gave it a good shock. "God, you just don't know when to stop, do you?" said the eel, continuing the flow of electricity. As the Baron stood stunned from the electricity flowing through the handle of the blade, Brian reached down to grab his sword and stuck it into the Baron's heart. The Baron fell to the floor. Brian used his shoe to kick off the eel, then picked up the Blade. Immediately he felt a surge of strength go through him. He went outside and bounded down the cliff in four strides. "Come on," he said to Peggy. "Let's go home." When Brian came home he at once became the local hero. King Arthur himself made him a knight, and Merlin promised to make him his apprentice. During his lifetime Brian accomplished many great feats, but perhaps the greatest of these was when he had Merlin and Reda apologize and forgive each other. Galahad, however, upon finding out about his lowest SAT score, was forced to take remedial classes at the nearby elementary school, where he rightfully earned his high school diploma and scored an honest 910. copyright 1998 J.Y.