HOW TO OPERATE AN AMERICAN AUTOMOBILE by Jon Yip


	The modern world today would not function in quite the same manner if
it was without automobiles.  As a matter of fact, nearly all forms of trade, 
agriculture and other businesses revolve around people who drive cars, taxis, 
and buses to and from their workplaces.  In America, there are very few 
remaining people left who still walk or bicycle to work, and even their small 
numbers are diminishing quickly due to the expanse of the automobile business 
and the continual lowering of vehicle prices.  Therefore, seeing as the skill 
and art of driving is such an important and prominent ability, and because 
the now old and fat "Baby Boomer" generation folks' offspring are already in 
or near the driving age, I will proceed to give to you a detailed, concise 
(and free) instruction course, from a prolific and professional driver 
(namely, me) on how to operate an American automobile.

	First, I shall discuss your American auto.  It is American, isn't it? 
It should be, for four reasons.  One: for us as Americans it is un-Patriotic 
to acknowledge the idea that other countries other than the United States 
exist; this is why whenever you see a yuppie driving around a Toyota Echo 
from Japan (that is a country, I believe) you should immediately shout 
profanities at them and declare "Loyalist commie!"  Two: if you purchase a 
foriegn car, the United States' immunal defense system will send lethal 
antibodies to seek and destroy your vehicle.  Three: if you acquire a car 
from out of the country, you run the risk of having the driver's seat placed 
awkwardly on the right side of the car instead of the left, making you appear 
to be a mail-delivery man.  These faulty purchases do not happen too often in 
America; however they are rampant among most European and Asian Countries, 
where they cause a tremendous amount of distress, especially in areas where 
mailmen are not highly regarded.  Finally: American cars cost less.

	So step into your vehicle.  If you followed my instructions correctly, 
the side you enter from should be the side with the steering wheel, which 
would be the left side.  Once you are in your seat, take a look at the large 
panel in front of you with all the knobs and dials and switches and lights.  
This is called the dashboard.  It contains all the current statuses of the 
various mechanisms and gadgets in your car; for instance, the dial with the 
hand pointing to all the different numbers around the circle is called the 
speedometer.  It tells you how fast your car is moving, in terms of miles per 
hour (the smaller numbers within the circle indicate the speed in kilometers 
per hour, in case the driver isn't American).  We will talk about the 
speedometer in further detail later.

	One of the most important functions on the dashboard is the flashers. 
This instrument is usually activated by a small button with a red triangle on 
it to the right of the steering wheel, and when pressed, red and yellow lights 
on both the front and rear of the vehicle will flicker on and off.  This is 
used when your car has suddenly stopped running for any reason, such as a 
battery failure or depletion of gasoline, and usually signals other drivers to 
ignore you along the side of the road, and if they have any extra time, to 
swerve their car dangerously close to you, narrowly missing you and then 
continuing along their route while you put your hands on your head and tear 
your hair out (which means if you are bald then you will not be able to 
operate the flashers correctly; contact your car's dealer to learn how to 
alternately use this feature).

	Another useful feature is the fan and air-conditioner (also referred 
to as an "aysie").  The fan is identified by either a two knobs or switches,
one with numbers above it and one that has a stripe running along it that 
turns gradually from blue to red.  Turning the first switch will turn on the 
fan, and adjusting the striped switch will change the temperature of the air 
that emerges from the fan vents.  The air-conditioner is a button near the 
two knobs or switches and turns green when it is pressed.  Now this "aysie" 
has a very clever job: it both cools the air in the car and predicts the 
gasoline prices as well.  When you press the button once, the air will cool, 
and at the same time you will find that the gas prices have increased, while 
when the aysie is turned off, the gas prices will lower!  Incidentally, no one 
knows why this happens, but some theorists believe that Murphy's Law of Gas 
Markets has something to do with it.

	But in order to drive skillfully, you must master one particular area 
of the dashboard: the steering wheel area.  The steering wheel, as you no 
doubt have guessed, steers.  The center of the wheel can be pushed to emit a 
nasal, brain-piercing honk; this is the horn.  It is meant to be used when you 
are angry at another driver and wish to say "get out my way, a--hole!" but are 
too far away for him to hear.  To the left of the wheel there is a stick 
protruding from the base of the wheel.  It controls most of the lights on the 
car; when turned counterclockwise, the headlights turn on, when pushed forward 
or backward, the highlights turn on (highlights are similar to headlights, 
except they are specially designed to blind other drivers in the middle of the 
night), when pushed up or down, the turn signals flash, indicating that you 
want to turn left or right.  However, turn signals are no longer mandatory, 
since according to the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) records, they have 
not been used by the general public since 1989 (when Mr. Arthur Steens, of 
Fort Worth, Texas, fell asleep while driving and his hand slipped and knocked 
the turn handle, signaling left), and therefore they are included in newer cars 
for ceremonial purposes only.  There is also another stick, one that protrudes 
from the right side of the base of the wheel.  Its main use is to operate the 
windshield wipers, which were built to smear dirt and insect remains across the 
front windshield.  And they also wipe rainwater off.

	Before we start the actual driving, I will make a note concerning 
manual and automatic transmissions.  Only wimps use automatic gear-changers!  
However, I don't know how to use the manual kinds, so I'll assume that you're 
using automatics.

	Now for the real driving!  Put your automobile into reverse if you 
need to back out of a driveway, otherwise, put it in drive and step on the 
accelerator (note: unless you are using a stickshift manual car, your vehicle 
will have two pedals: a smaller accelerator and a larger brake pedal.  I have 
never used the brake pedal before, so I have yet to figure out what it does.  
Presumably it acts as a second, more powerful accelerator, but that would be 
too dangerous for local driving, so I recommend against using it, for safety 
reasons).  As you drive, make note of street signs and other markings on and 
beside the road.  One of the first things you may encounter is something 
called a "stop" sign.  They are octogonal in shape and have large letters that 
read "stop" against a red background.  Stop signs introduce a concept called 
"right of way," which basically mean who goes first at a stop sign; the first 
driver to cross the stop sign has the right of way, and after he passes the 
second driver to cross has the right of way, and so on.  This means that the 
goal is to cross the stop sign before anyone else can in order to score the 
"right of way."  You can cash in fifteen "right of way" scores at the DMV for 
a bumper sticker that says "I beat fifteen cars at Right of Way."  Ignore the 
word "stop" on the stop sign; it is only there to trick you, since the DMV is 
very stingy with money and they hate giving out bumper stickers.

	The next sign you will probably see is a white rectangular sign that
displays the phrase "speed limit" with a number written under it.  This sign 
is part of a fun game that involves policemen and your speedometer (remember, 
the dial with the numbers on it).  The objective of this game is to drive as 
to make the arrow on the speedometer reach as high a number past the number 
on the sign as your car will allow, and when you see a police officer you must 
slow to the speed that is listed on the speed limit sign as soon as you 
possibly can.  If you win, the officer won't notice you and will let you go 
about your business.  If the officer catches you, you get a thing called a 
ticket and you lose.

	As soon as you reach a fairly busy area you will find something called 
a street light.  Street lights are boxes hanging from poles that tower over the 
street, and each box has three or more colored lights on it: green, yellow, 
and red.  I'm sure we all recognize and know what each color means.  Green  
means go, red means stop, and yellow means that if you are within a mile of 
the light you should quickly accelerate towards it very fast, the point of 
doing so being to drive past the light before it turns red (which, of course, 
means you have to stop).  It is quite well known that nowadays more vehicles 
pass through a street light regulated intersection during the time when the 
light is yellow than when the light is actually green.  By the way, you might 
have noticed while walking around on the street before that each street light 
also has a pedestrain light as well.  Usually each pole will have a button you 
can press to make the light change in your favor, allowing you to cross the 
street safely.  It is also quite well known that if you press the button 
rapidly enough, and enough times, the light will ACTUALLY CHANGE FASTER!  This 
occurance is due to the fact that there is a sensor in the pole that thinks, 
"oh, if he's pressing it enough times, and fast enough, then he must really be 
in a hurry!  I better stop all the rest of the traffic right away so he can 
reach his destination ten seconds faster!"  Therefore, keep in memory that this 
sensor can be easily fooled by repeatedly and consecutively pressing the 
button, although there is no need, really, since according to DMV records, no 
one has actually waited for a pedestrian light to change since 1981 (when an 
unidentified man from Topeka, Kansas, collapsed from cardiac arrest while 
waiting at a light; he was treated and later released).  The government and the 
DMV both know this; they only continue to manufacture pedestrian light buttons 
to make citizens think they are saving time, and also to obtain fingerprints 
from every living person in the United States, for record purposes only, of 
course.

	This completes my crash course in driving you American automobile.  It 
has been my pleasure and honor to be able to help you begin your adventure in 
driving, and I sincerely hope you will have the best of luck in learning to 
drive efficiently, enjoyably, and most importantly, in educated safety.  Have 
fun, and remember, in the rare incident where you may cause an accident as a 
direct result of following my instructions, I ain't liable!



copyright 2000 Jon Yip